Sailor Wing
by Ace of Hearts
Summary: The G-boys attempt to shoot a Sailor Moon movie--with Heero as the lead! Uh-oh...


Hi, if any of you visit Aishiteru, then you might have read this fic before, 'cause I posted it there under the name Kawaii Kitty before I decided to ditch that name. So, enjoy the fic. 

**~ Bishounen Senshi Sailor Wing ~**

  


**_Starring:_**

**_Heero Yuy as Sailor Wing (Sailor Moon)_**   
**_Quatre Raberba Winner as Sailor Sandrock_**   
**_(Sailor Mercury)_**   
**_Chang Wufei as Sailor Shenlong_**   
**_(Sailor Mars)_**   
**_Trowa Barton as Sailor Heavyarms_**   
**_(Sailor Jupiter)_**   
**_Duo Maxwell as Sailor Deathscythe _**   
**_(Sailor Venus)_**   
**_Relena Peacecraft as Tuxedo Peace Kamen (Tuxedo Kamen)_**

**_And Introducing..._**   
**_Zechs Merquise and Treize Khushrenada as Sailor Epyon and Sailor Tallgeese II_**   
**_(Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune)_**   
**_Dr. J and Lucrezia Noin as Professor Tomoe and Kaolinite_**   
**_With Marimeia Khushrenada as random victim-of-the-day_**

The scene opens with a shot of what appears to be a dark, dinky old basement, with a Ghostbusters sign taped over the door. The Ghost part has been hastily crossed out with a red pen, and replaced with the word Death scrawled over it in spidery, chicken-scratch handwriting. Cheesy, typical, villain-is-about-to-appear background music starts to play, as a withered old man who looks like he hasn't taken a decent shower in years slowly makes his way to the door and uses the tip of the tree branch that serves as his cane to prod it open. Stepping inside, he coughs a bit, then slowly walks over to a series of test tubes.   
"Lucrezia Noin," the old man croaks, and at his command, a statuesque young woman with short, stylish dark hair and cold amethsyt eyes appears behind him.   
"Yes, Dr. J?" she asks obediently. The scraggly old man who looks like he hasn't taken a shower in years says something about how he's completed the eggs of daimon which would detect humans with pure hearts. Noin opens her mouth, about to ask a question, when all of a sudden, a bomb explodes somewhere. In bursts a group of shadowy silhouettes; apparently, there were four guys and one girl with _long_ hair. A spotlight moved to shine on the figure standing in the middle, a boy with an unruly mane of dark brown hair and piercing cobalt-blue eyes, who promptly stepped forward and deadpanned in a monotone voice, "Hold it right there, evil villains. We are the Knight Sabers, and we are here to stop you." 

"CUT!!!" a voice screams somewhere. The lights of the mysterious, darkened basement go on in a snap, bathing everything in light and revealing that the 'girl' of the group was actually a teenage boy with long brown hair tied back in a butt-length braid. As the group standing in the middle of the 'basement', which turns out to actually be a movie set, turns around to see who has made the interruption, a short, fat man slowly gets out of his director's chair and Godzillas toward the group of actors standing in the middle of the set.   
"What the hell is wrong with you people?!" the short, fat man hollers. Turning his glare to the blue-and-red-clad boy who made the Knight Sabers announcement, he screams, "First of all, you're the Sailor Gundams! We're trying to shoot a spin off of _Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon,_ not _Bubblegum Crisis!"_   
Heero Yuy glares at the short, fat man who had just lumbered out of his chair--obviously the director of the flick--and mutters an ominous, "Omae o korosu." However, the director, who doesn't know a word of Japanese (except the ones that get him in trouble with Japanese people), mumbles, "Yah, well back at you, pally!", and simply ignores Heero's death threat. Sweeping the entire group with a glare from his squinty black eyes, the short, fat director them mutters, "Okay then, now that we've cleared up a few misunderstandings, let's try that again, shall we?" He motions to one of the crew members with a snap of his fingers, who promptly gets in front of the camera and prepares to initiate the second try.   
_"Bishounen Senshi Sailor Wing,_ Act One, Take Two."   
"Sylia Stingray...Hajimemashite."   
The director sighs, and slaps his forehead.   
"I knew I never should have rented that BCG tape," he mumbles to himself. 

*** * ***

"...And that is why I like Sailor DSH video games so much," Heero finished woodenly, in his usual cold, emotionless monotone. He glances around at the group of 'Sailor Gundams' gathered around the small table around him, who had all either dozed off or were on the verge of doing it.   
"CUT!!!" the director hollers. Heero frowns, shooting a brief, longing glance at his trusty pistol, which has now been locked inside a shatterproof glass case and guarded by four burly security guards, after that little...*ahem*, incident that involved the director, the gun, and a seriously aggravated Heero Yuy. As the director rumbles toward him, Heero idly wonders what it is that he has done wrong now. It certainly can't be his fault; he had read the ten-paragraph explanation of why his character loved Sailor DSH video games so much without stumbling over a single line, and there wasn't anything in the script that he hadn't done. In fact, it was the other G-boys who were at fault...they dozed off, after all! As the director finally roly-polies over to Heero, he complains, "Heero, baby, that was perfect, but I think you need a little more zest...some more enthusiasm for your product! Try to sound like one of those hyperactive salespeople you see on TV commercials, squeal and gush, like you're really excited--"   
"No," comes the flat response.   
"...A bit more energy, try to squeak and sound more high-pitched to show that you're really into your video games--What? What do you mean no?" the director pauses, trying to adjust to this break into his flow.   
"I said no. It wouldn't look good for my image for me to be squealing like a schoolgirl," Heero repeats coldly.   
"Well I say yes, and I'm the director, so HAH!" the director snaps.   
"And I say no," Heero retorts stubbornly.   
"I said yes!" the director howls, beginning to lose his patience.   
"And I say...Omae o korosu," Heero growls, suddenly jumping up and making a mad dash for the glass case containing his precious pistol. He raises one fist and smashes it against the glass, but as it is shatterproof, nothing happens, and seconds later, four uniformed, five-hundred-pound security guards have tackled him, and are working to 'restrain' the trigger-happy ex-Wing pilot. 

**Two Days Later...**

"Act Ten, Take Five-Hundred-and-Thirty-Two."   
_"Ooh_, and _that_ is why _I_ just absolutely _adore_ Sailor DSH _video games!_ I mean, they're, like, just totally _awesome, _like, ya know, and there _isn't_ anything _cooler_ than _Sailor DSH,_ except, like, maybe _me,_ the great Shinigami--I mean, _Hero Yuiee_ and _Sailor Bing,_ naturally--and like, the leader of the Sailor Gundams, and like, the one with the coolest hairdo, and like, I even got my own personal stalker, and like, I get a cool stick thingie and you guys don't, and like, like, like..." Duo Maxwell, dressed in Heero's red-blue-and-white Sailor fuku (which was a couple sizes too small for him and therefore revealed a _little_ bit more than it really should...*ahem*!), was standing in front of the camera, basking in the spotlight and wearing a silly grin on his face, his yard-long braid tucked back in a bun-type hairstyle to make it seem shorter than it really was, and with his bangs stretched longer than usual (with some help from Trowa's hair gel) so that it fell over his eyes. He was blabbing his mouth off, unnecessarily over-zesty in his speech about how cool the Sailor DSH video game was. 

"CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!!!" a voice screamed. Duo stopped his chatter and glanced back, wondering what the director was complaining about now. However, the director was snoozing in his director's chair, making snoring noises that sounded like a cross between an elephant trying to blow its nose and a gorilla gurgling. So who had yelled _Cut_ so adamantly? Duo's wide-eyed stare fell on a corner of the set, where a small hospital bed had been placed. Bandaged up like a mummy and with IV tubes poking into every part of his body, Heero Yuy was practically tearing his hair out at Duo's little impersonation of himself.   
"The Great Heero Perfect Soldier Yuy does _not_ talk like some weak, silly valley girl! INJUSTICE!" Heero screamed. Duo sweatdropped.   
"Eh...I always wondered what it was that you and Wufei were talking about during our last cast party," he mumbled. 

*** * ***

**Six Weeks After That...**

The Sailor Gundams, led by a fully recovered Heero Yuy/Sailor Wing, were facing off against some kid dressed up as the monster-of-the-day, standing in full attack poses and for once not screwing up. At that moment, a pink silk rose flew down, started in the direction of the daimon, and then veered off-course at the last minute and smacked full-force into Chang Wufei.   
"KISAMAAAA!!!"   
However, the pink-tuxedo-and-cape-clad girl poised precariously on a nearby tree branch paid no attention to that particular outburst, as she calmly straightened her white eye mask and patted down her light, sandy-brown hair, as cheesy violin music started playing in the background.   
"Shame on you, soulless daimon, for attacking my HEEEERO and trying to destroy the pure hearts of the lovely civilians that populate this Earth. I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, and I will not allow the likes of evil demons like yourself to pollute this universe. For I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, and I..." the pink-tuxedo-clad Relena Peacecraft starts to babble.   
*Crack*. *Crack*. _*Craaaack*._   
The tree branch promptly snaps in two, sending itself and Relena perched on top of it tumbling onto the ground below.   
"Oof!" Relena grunts, as she smacks full-force into the daimon that she had been preaching to.   
"CUT!" comes the cry from the director. 

"Act Sixty-Seven, Take Fourteen."   
Relena Peacecraft, teetering precariously on the broken tree branch (which has been pieced back together with masking tape), holds her breath as the wood starts to make cracking noises, then lets it out a few minutes later after discovering that, masking tape and all, it manages to hold her weight.   
"Shame on you, you daimon, you soulless creature, for attempting to harm the lovely Sailor Gundams and trying to steal the pure heart of an innocent human being," she begins to preach. "I have never met such a vengeful being as yourself or your master, Daimon, but I do know that there is no need for you to continue this meaningless, miserable existence, taking orders from your master and living for the sole purpose of fulfilling his wishes. There is no need for you to be intimidated by your lord anymore; in fact, you should start over. Begin anew, throw down your weapons, and embrace the ideals of absolute pacifism that I, Tuxedo Peace Kamen, have adopted. After all, I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, the ultimate guru of absolute pacifism, and I can teach you those very ideals. There is a road leading to ultimate peace. And upon that road, we can walk together, in harmony, to reach absolute pacifism. And, since I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, I can teach you, you lost, soulless daimon, how to achieve ultimate pacifism and be able to hug the Sailor Gundams and become friends with them, and since I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, I can help you create a world of absolute pacifism for yourself. After all, I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen..." 

**Two Hours Later...**

"...And those are the Thirteen Articles of Harmony leading to the Book of Absolute Pacifism. Now, let us talk about the world--and what it has become, daimon dearest. After all, I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, and I can listen to your problems and help you overcome them to achieve your goal--which, by now, should be living in a world devoid of the pains and sorrows of foolish battles--and we can all embrace each other and become friends. As you may know, I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, and I can help you in your journey to create a world where absolute pacifism isn't just a dream anymore..." 

**Three Hours After That...**

"...We should not be fighting each other at all. I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, and I demand that you throw down your weapons and embrace the ideals of absolute pacifism that I, Tuxedo Peace Kamen, have taught you. Remember, I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, and I can help you in your quest of creating a world where absolute pacifism is practiced by every nation of the world and the space colonies..."   
Daimon: *SNORE* 

*** * ***

**Six Weeks Later...**   
(And no, Relena isn't preaching anymore!) 

Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, and Chang Wufei are all crammed into a bunch of bleachers, watching a 'motorcycle race'. At that moment, a sleek, shiny, maroon-red-and-black bike zips straight past the bleachers, throwing up a cloud of dust and splattering the hapless group with dirt.   
"KISAMA!"   
Gee, wonder from whom that came from?   
"Oh, wow. Zechs is such an awesome racer," Heero recited woodenly, not sounding the least bit impressed or excited.   
"Like, I know, and, like, he's just so cool, like, ya know, and, like, I love his motorcycle, and, like, I wish I could, like, ya know, like race those motorcycle thingies, and, like, I bet I'd look, like, cooler than, like, Zechs does on his, like, silly bike, and, like, like, like--" Duo started to do his valley girl (valley boy?) impersonation.   
"Duo, omae o korosu," an irate Heero snapped, obviously still a _little_ ticked off about the whole 'Hero Yuiee/Sailor Bing' incident. 

"And the winner of this race is...Zechs Merquise!" a deep-voiced announcer boomed dramatically over the speakers. Silence. Duo coughed discreetly. Quatre looked embarrassed. Heero stared straight forward with a flat, almost bored expression on his face.   
"Ahem...I _said,_ 'And the winner of this race is Zechs Merquise'!" the actor playing the announcer repeated irritably. Silence. Duo frowned. Quatre began to turn pink. Heero continued to stare off into space.   
"For crying out loud, the winner of this stupid race is Zechs Merquise!" the announcer practically shouted. Still nothing from Heero. Finally, a rather embarrassed Duo poked his impassive comrade in the ribs and hissed, "That's your cue, Heero!" Heero's eyebrows twitched, before he dutifully intoned, "Oh wow, I can't believe Zechs won the race." 

"CUT! Heero, baby, your acting's...er, unique, but you've got to put more emotion into your words! Try to squeal, like you're really excited, put a little more _zest_ into your words--"   
*Gunshot* 

*** * ***

**Two Weeks Later...**

Lady Une, main financial backer of the _Bishounen Senshi Sailor Wing: The Movie_ project, sighed irritably and began to shuffle through the mountain of paperwork piled on her desk, pausing briefly only to rub her temples. At that moment, a phone rang, shattering the silence, and the dark-eyed young woman sitting behind the desk allowed a flicker of surprise to briefly flash across her features, before reaching over and picking up the phone.   
"Good morning--" she began to say, but the person on the other line cut her off impatiently and proceeded to fill her in on the recent delays concerning the movie. Lady Une listened in silence for a moment, and when the caller got to the end of his message, her arched eyebrows had nearly disappeared into her hairline.   
"What?!" she shouted into the mouthpiece, nearly popping the eardrums of the hapless person on the other line. "What do you mean he shot at the director?"   
Lady Une listened grimly while the caller, holding the phone two feet away from his busted ear, explained the situation to her. When he was finished, she sighed irritably and muttered, "All right, all right. But I'm gonna have to get a loan from the bank to bail him out from jail--yet again. You _do_ realize that he's squeezing our funds dry with his constant gunfights, don't you? Make sure this doesn't happen again." After her stern order, there was a stream of hasty apologies from the caller, before a curious Lady Une asked, "By the way, if Heero's in jail, then who's filling in for him?" 

A tall, slender boy with longish hair the color of bronze and calm, almost deadpan green eyes was standing amidst the group of Sailor Gundams, dressed in a white sailor fuku with a blue collar and skirt and high-heeled red boots. Standing to one side of him were Quatre Raberba Winner and Chang Wufei, wearing their Sailors Sandrock and Shenlong uniforms, while to his other side was the solitary figure of the violet-eyed Duo Maxwell, decked out in his Sailor Deathscythe uniform. Propped up next to Duo was a life-size dummy, dressed up in the green-white-and-pink uniform of Sailor Heavyarms. The green-eyed boy standing in the middle of the group opened his mouth and deadpanned in a soft, emotionless voice, "I am Trowa Barton. Just call me Sailor Wing." 

*** * ***

**Six Days Later...**

Heero (who's been bailed out of jail thanks to our ever-dependable Lady Une) stood crouched around the still figure of Marimeia Khushrenada. Behind him were the rest of the Sailor Gundams, and standing in a corner close to the bishounen was the pink-clad figure of Relena/Tuxedo Peace Kamen. Poised several yards in front of the group was a slim figure wearing a rather revealing red dress and a pair of spiked high heels. The red-clad woman, apparently playing the villain, took a step closer to the Sailor Gundams and Tuxedo Peace Kamen, a smirk on her faces.   
"Give it up, you cross-dressing hero-wannabes," the dark-haired, violet-eyed young woman spat out nastily. "I don't want to pick a catfight with the likes of you; just let me have this pipsqueak's heart crystal and I promise I'll spare your lives."   
"Grumblegrumblegrumble**no**muttermuttermutter**omaeokorosu**," mumbled Heero. Lucrezia Noin paused for a minute to adjust the sleeve of her short red dress, before continuing.   
"Fine then, so you'll hand her over to me the hard way. It's your choice." And she started to advance toward the group that had gathered around the supposedly unconscious Marimeia. 

A flutter of rose petals, a few bars of violin music, and a low, throaty male voice growling, "Don't even think about it, Noin." The violin music continued to play, while the shadow effects were lifted to triumphantly reveal two new figures standing back-to-back in a corner. The taller, blue-white-and-gold-clad one had long, platinum-blonde hair and cold, ice-blue eyes, while his green-white-and-blue-clad partner had aristocratic good looks, short, ginger-colored hair, and sapphire-blue eyes. The two young men struck individual poses that were meant to be triumphant (but then again, were also meant for young girls to strike).   
"Agent of love and strength, Bishounen Senshi Sailor Epyon!" the one who had spoken first introduced himself.   
"Agent of love and elegance, Bishounen Senshi Sailor Tallgeese II," his ginger-haired comrade followed suit.   
"It's the Outer Gundams," Heero muttered grumpily. 

"More_ feeling,_ more _zest,_ more _emotion--"_ the now-Kevlar-clad director started to butt in. _Bang! Bang! Bang!_

The phone in Lady Une's officer rang. The tired and weary young woman sighed heavily, before reaching over with one well-manicured hand and picking it up.   
"Lady Une speaking," she mumbled into the mouthpiece, sighing again. The person on the other line hesitantly began to speak, and when he was finished, Lady Une sighed for the third time.   
"I see, I see," she murmured. "Okay, let me just dash over to the bank and withdraw some money for the bail. Trigger-Happy Heero struck again, right?"   
However, the caller had something to add, and when he stopped talking, Lady Une nearly rocketed right through the ceiling.   
"What?!" she screeched, so loudly that a number of people came rushing into her office to see what was wrong. However, the distressed Lady Une didn't even bother to acknowledge their presence, as she wailed in consternation, "Heero _and_ Zechs?!" 

*** * ***

**Sixteen Long Weeks After That...**

"And cut! Okay, that's a wrap, people. I want this edited immediately. We are already four months behind schedule, due to a few unfortunate incidents involving the cast and your previous director, but now that we have finally finished this movie, I want this released as soon as possible. Got that?" _Neon Genesis Evangelion's_ blonde-haired, green-eyed Akagi Ritsuko, the new director for the _Bishounen Senshi Sailor Wing_ movie, glanced expectantly at the crew members gathered in front of her, and when there was a general shaking of heads, she ordered, "All right, then. You all know your jobs. I want this movie finished as soon as possible. Let's hurry it up, people!" 

At that moment, her cell phone rang. The young woman absently plucked it out of her coat and flipped the small gadget open.   
"Ritsuko speaking," she mumbled distractedly, glancing around at the set, where a couple of crew members were taking down the props that made up the final scene of the movie. After the caller finished speaking, Ritsuko said smoothly, "Don't worry, Miss Une. The film has been finished in four months, the cast and crew will get paid within two days, I can assure you of that, and while _Sailor Wing's_ release date hasn't been confirmed yet, it is quite possible that the movie will be able to come out in theaters this summer." On the other line, Lady Une breathed a huge sigh of relief; she _knew_ that hiring the brisk and efficient NERV Chief Technician and Chairwoman of Project E for the position of the SW movie director had been a good idea.   
"By the way, Miss Une," Ritsuko was saying, "I've made a few minor adjustments to the script. You don't mind...do you?" 

*** * ***

**Three Months Later...**

The eager audience hushed down as soon as the preview advertising some slapstick comedy due to be released in September ended and the screen darkened considerably. One little girl munching on her popcorn turned to face her mother and chirped brightly, "Oh, I hope that this will be as fun as my Sailor Moon tapes."   
"I'm sure it will, honey," her mother assured her, smiling fondly at her daughter's eager anticipation. 

At that moment, the instrumental notes that began _Moonlight Densetsu,_ the original _Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon_ opening, could be heard. Although the instruments had been altered slightly, one could still tell that it was _Moonlight._ After the instrumental bit, Takahashi Youko, the singer who had performed Evangelion's opening, _Zankoku na Tenshi no Te-ze, _started singing a much more techno, J-pop-style version of the original song. And then, the opening to _Bishounen Senshi Sailor Wing: The Movie,_ began. 

_I'm sorry, I'm not gentle_   
*Wufei is shown chasing a bunch of schoolgirls around, bellowing "Weak ONNAS!!!"*   
_I can say it in my dreams_   
*A sleeping Duo appears, sprawled all over his bed, one thumb in his mouth and an SD Deathscythe plushie doll tucked under his arm, mumbling something about the Great Shinigami*   
_My thoughts are about to short circuit_   
*Quatre, trapped inside the Wing Zero, has a glazed look in his eyes as steam starts shooting from his ears, signaling system overload*   
_I want to be with you now!_   
*Heero zips past a group of startled shoppers, with Relena in hot pursuit and yodeling "HEEEEEROOOO!!!" at the top of her lungs* 

_The moonlight makes me want to cry_   
*"Oh, my darling Susannah, you have finally returned to me!" a cheesy male voice on the TV whispers, while Relena, watching her daily soaps, starts on her second box of tissues*   
_I can't even call, it's midnight!_   
*Heero's bedside phone starts ringing; the dark-haired boy promptly whips out a revolver and shoots it, then goes back to sleep*   
_But I'm so innocent, what should I do?_   
*Our cute, lovable lil' Quatre stares in dismay at the mounds of paperwork on his desk, and sighs sadly, preparing for another long day at the office*   
_My heart is a kaleidoscope_   
*Sally is shown handing Wufei an X-ray of his chest. "Where's the heart part?" Wufei demands. Sally sweatdrops. "Oops."* 

_Guided by the light of the moon_   
*The Wing Zero starts blasting OZ Leos, the fire from its beam rifles lighting up the night sky*   
_We meet by chance, again and again..._   
*Relena climbs on top of a mall fountain, cups her hands around her mouth, and hollers, "HEEEROOO!!! Come back and kill meeeee!", while Heero discreetly ducks into the nearest store--The Susie Homemaker Utopia* 

_The countless shining stars above us foretell love's whereabouts_   
*Wufei pops onto the screen. "Stargazing is for the weak. JUSTICE!!!"*   
_Born on the same Earth_   
*Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei are shown standing in their respective colonies*   
_A miracle romance_   
*Heero points a gun at Relena. "Omae o korosu." "When?" "When I feel like it, onna." "Ah, you've been talking to Wufei, I see."* 

As the opening started to fade into silence and the first scene began, one could hear Lady Une holler in dismay, "You call _this_ a few _minor_ adjustments?!" 


End file.
